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Happy Accident

by DJ REAL

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1.
Intro 00:24
2.
Dana dump your man and marry me Dana, D-D-D-D-Dana Dana dump your man and marry me Dana, D-D-D-D-Dana D-U-M-P H-I-M You think that I am kidding but you know just who I am And if I had the money I would buy you a Grand Am or a Lexus – a fabulous Toyota Corolla. I would take you down to Cuba for our honeymoon. We wouldn’t need to get it on, I could just look at you. And if you really wanted to, we could hula-hoop. Come on and dump your dude. I bet he’s really gross when he is in the nude. That’s why I always give him such an attitude. Dana dump you man and marry me. No, I don’t need to go to therapy. I just really, really like you, but you’ve got a man. And all I can say is “Damn!” I get a funny feeling when you say, “hello”. We can go back to my crib and watch the Cosby show. And if your boyfriend thinks really needs to know, Tell him you were with your homie with the small afro. If your boyfriend wants to mess, I’ll get my battle axe. And I know that even then he will still kick my ass. He will get his crew and I’ll run really fast. I’d do it all again just to see you laugh.
3.
Edgar 01:40
A: Hey, what’s going on B: Hey, man! A: Hey, did you hear about Edgar? B: Is it bad? A: Yeah…Oh, no! He did something really stupid! B: Did he do that thing with the vacuum cleaner. A: Oh no…he blew his nose on his girlfriends clothes. Edgar: I blew my nose, on your pretty clothes because I didn’t have a tissue. I guess this means at the end of our date, you won’t let me kiss you. Edgar man, you got to know how to talk to the ladies you know. Don’t blow your snotty mucus on her dresses, you know. It’s not cool. In fact, you know, I don’t even know why I’m your friend anymore. Your uncool vibes are rubbing off on me. So I’ll talk to you later
4.
My Pillow 01:31
I travel the lonely streets Looking for someone Now that I gotchu hear with me I lose control My pillow rests my head When I sleep at night. It lost its fluffiness. So did my life!! My pillow has lost its fluffiness. My pillow, my pillow pillow
5.
Well there’s something in my pocket, I think it’s your hand. Well there’s something in my pocket, I think it’s your hand. Well there’s something in my pocket, I think it’s your hand. Get your hand out of my pocket silly man.
6.
I catch the stars above to prove that you have all my love. How much more could you want from a guy like me. You are so sweet. You’ve got me in a sweat. I’d love it if you came back. I’d love you even if you ran away with another guy. I’d love you no matter how much you lie. There’s no plateau big enough to hold my affection. I love you, ooooooo. Even if you’ve got bronchitis.
7.
Another gangsta bitch messin’ around mispronouncin’ my name. It’s Bruce, not Bruss Get it right, I’ll smoke you like a cigarette. Oh no, I’m not done yet. This is my poo-poo list. See my fist? Want sumadis’? You’re not in my crew. When you’re in my crew, you’re down wit’ Bruce. And …you’re not in my crew. I see you. All you jerks in fifth grade, getting laid with Sue Mc Rae, Everyday….It’s a shame. She made fun of my bad breath, And my speech impedimeth. Well now I’ve got a laday, and a baybay. We live near the freeway behind Super-K. I’m a mean teacher, I’m not a gentle character. I’m rough, rough! Rough Rough! Like a labrador. Mess wit’ me…I’ll show you the door. That’s right! You don’t wanna mess wit’ dis’ guy. Neva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva mess wit’ dis’ guy! Neva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva eva mess wit’ Bruce!
8.
9.
Mosh 00:57
I just want to mosh Let out my anger I just want to mosh. Mosh, mosh, mosh. I just want to mosh. Hate may derive. I just want to mosh. But it will subside. I just want to mosh. Mosh, mosh, mosh. Mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh. Jump your ass up and down. I will make you mosh. You will hit the ground. I will make you mosh. Thrash around your head. I will make you mosh. Boom you’re dead. I will make you mosh. Mo..mo..mosh. Mosh! Eating mush.
10.
A:Hey man, hey where did you put the blanket is it over there? B:No it’s no over here… A:Well, then where is it? A: Where’d you put the blanket? B: Idaevaseedablanket. A:Where’d you put the blanket? B: Forget you man A: You’re such a jerk.
11.
12.
Quite Loney 01:48
I stand alone, I sit alone, I eat alone, I am quite alone. I talk alone, I sleep alone, I feel alone, I am quite lonely. I wish there was someone by my side. I wish there was someone to hold at night. There out in the crowd, I stick out like crazy glue. There out in the crowd, wish I could be there with you. Maybe it wasn’t really meant to be. Maybe all I have is me. So maybe now you can finally see that you + me= we. We can sit inside of a room. We can occupy life’s hotel. Together maybe we can answer all the questions that come up. Don’t tell me to shut up! No …no, you shut up! I’m the one that’s lonely hear. I’m the one perplexed by loneliness.
13.
Theewiouthly 02:28
Nobody takth me theewiouthly It mutht be the way that I look. Cauth’ when I twy to talk to my fwends, They all thtart to throw bookths. It mutht be my hawe. It mutht be my thyolderth. Or dyutht my fayth. When I get mad, I thay I mean bythnith. Everyone thartth to laugh. I mutht have thum thelery inthide my teeth To make the girlth run tho fatht.
14.
Life Sucks 01:34
Life sucks. Why does life suck? Somebody tell me why it does. You suck. People suck. I suck. This sucks even more than you know. OOHHH YYAAHHH!!! Life Sucks. Life Sucks. Life Sucks So Much! You Suck! People Suck So Much!
15.
Blind Date 01:34
What should we talk about? This is my first blind date. I’m not sure what I should say… So I’m just gonna tell you about my family. No more lonely nights. No more crying in the dark. Just spend some time with me, And we’ll never grow apart.
16.
A: Hey, who’s playing? B:Joey Kitano, man. He’s awesome. A: Yah. B: Yah. He’s been doing this for twenty minutes. A:Wow. That’s really good. B: Yah. A: Hey, can I have a butt? B: Sure, here… A: No, thanks. I don’t smoke cigarettes. B: Whatever. A: Alright, I’ll see you later. B: Yah.
17.
Let's Go! 00:45
Let’s go!!!! Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Uh-uh, ok let’s go. Hey!!! What are you doing in there? Get outta the bathroom.!
18.
I love you, yes I do-oo-oo-oo.
19.
Bacon Cereal 01:19
Something unpredictable was creeping in the night. It was seeping inside every poor and pouring out of sight. And if I popped a brain and the juice began to flow I’d be taken to a secret place somewhere down below. A head doesn’t taste as jelly as an enigmatic fish, But if bacon was the main course I’d eat every single dish. Just put it in a bucket and pour some milk inside. That’s good ol’ bacon cereal. That is beautified. Hey!! Hey you with the bacon! Give me back my bacon. I’ll eat you and the bacon, too!!!
20.
Don’t stick your head inside of the microwave. It’s not the thing to do.
21.
I turned my friend into a cup, I don’t know how to turn him back. It’s ok because he was about to have a heart attack. I’d rather be a cup than a body on the floor. I took his whole c.d. set of the Billy Joel. I Turned My Friend Into A Cup, I don’t know how to turn him back. His name was Dave and he had stupid hair. It’s ok ‘cause he’s no longer there. He’s just a cup that I drink from. Sometimes I drink coconut rum. He’s not a bad guy anymore. Now he’s good and he’s on the floor. He used to come over and drink all my water. I wouldn’t let him, I’d slap his hand. Now he’s just a cup and his name was Dave, now he’s dead. I wish he wasn’t
22.
Just Kidding 01:36
You were so sweet and full of honey,until you stole all of my money. My purity wasn’t free and you stole that too, So I made a contract for a scary man to kill you. Don’t be scared when you hear this message, and don’t chew off your press on nails. It won’t hurt so bad…. for me!!! Hahaha!! When you see him say hello. Shake his hand before you go. Say you’re sorry, say you’re sorry for it all Before you hear the madman call. I’m not kidding this is for real.
23.
Gimme all of your money. I know you think that it’s funny. You won’t be laughing when I get the C.R.E.A.M. Gimme all of your jewlarey. That’s right bitch, I said jewlarey. I know it’s not spelled like that in the dictionary! I am just a thug. Give me all your love. Give me all of your love. Who is it you’re thinkin’ of? Wanna git on my motorcycle? Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. I’ll get a tattoo with your name on it. If you’re nice I’ll let you carve it. You can steal the sun and melt my icy heart.
24.
Mental Case 02:25
Do I find it strange when she calls out women’s names? While she claw at my shirt and gnaws at my veins? Do I say goodbye to this cookoo, cookoo girl of mine? With a pound of sweet strychnine; or bleach in her cocaine line?Sniff, sniff. Sniffle , sniffle. Would she love me if I was a cripple? Or real fat with a stomach ripple? She’s a mental case, but she’s mine. She has bad taste, but she’s mine. And I can’t see her standing in teddy or a thong (lingerie), But it’s ok ‘cause she’s mine. She kept burning her bra while she was still in it. She was a cow on Thursday and that was our best day. She likes to kick me in all of those places, but there’s something about those mental cases. If I had a dime for every time she bound me on the floor when she heard me snore, I’d be rich then I’d be poor. ‘Cause she’d steal it all. Spend it on an ammunition magazine, or reconstructive surgery. Or electro shock therapy. Or three three hundred pound prostitutes in parachutes, on fried newts, in combat boots, a pain killer when she chips her tooth on a quaalude. Hey dude. Do you want this girl? This crazy kakamaymee chick. This hammer in my face. This knife in my back. This cracked up midnight snack. Well you cannot cause she’s a priceless dollar bill. She’s the cup I’d love to spill.
25.
How can I possibly love a robot that looks so fat in a bikini, When I specified in the catalog that I wanted something teenie-weeine. When I tried to activate the feature that makes her mouth stay closed, She gets all mad at me and tries to cook all of my clothes I just want a robotic girlfriend to hold me when I cry She can understand my circuitry, she can be my wife. My mom was not a robot, so to Freud, I say tuche’ When I try to kiss her metal lips, she just rolls away. Give me a stick with human ears, I’ll feel better when I talk To an overweight and so ungrateful lesbian robot. So curse your rotten magazine for sending me this nasty thing. And make sure you send me back every single bling-bling.
26.
DJ REAL 01:54
DJ Real…Ohh yeah… This is the intro to the song I’m gonna be number….two (I’m just saying that cause creed is really number one) “What’s up DJ Real? How do you feel?” Well now that you ask I think this is the part of the song where I have to whisper. Hey girl, you tame the beast in DJ Real…ooohhh yeah. No I’m not from Texas. You may say that this song is sexist. (cuz) Man it’s only about me, and I am the man. Oh man, check out the moolah in my hand. This is the chorus. This is the chorus. This is the chorus (yeah, uh Mr. Real. That happened a little while ago, so if you could, uh, move on.) All the older women in my neighborhood say that I’m really sexy. All I have to say is that I’m up to no good, and I drive a Honda Scoupe My homeboy David just told me now, that this song is cheesy. All I have to say to him is go play some parcheesi. That was definitely the worst rap ever.
27.
Outro 00:24

credits

released July 4, 2001

All instruments and vocals were recorded and performed by Nick Stargu

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DJ REAL San Francisco

Nick Stargu is a musician, comedian, writer and filmmaker who is best known for his multimedia / musical comedy act, DJ REAL, which has been featured at Outside Lands, San Francisco Sketchfest, Bridgetown Comedy Festival and more! He most recently appeared on the TV show “Flophouse” on Viceland. And he’s opened for Devo! He will be appearing as a host on NBC's Seeso show Guest List" Fall 2016. ... more

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